Friday, April 19, 2013

Let me blow the dust off this blog...


Hello. It's been awhile. I've obviously disappeared for like a year and I'm sorry okay? It happens. I mean just look at the title of my blog. (That thingy at the top of the page...) 

So I wrote this the other day and I don't know, I'm feeling adventurous after playing Bioshock Infinite (NO SPOILERS. I'm not done yet.) and I felt that it was time for me to do something again. Brief catch up- I'm engaged and I've got a job!

So without further ado- allons-y:


I have no idea what I’m doing. Sometimes I think I do, but then I don’t. It seems like as soon as I get myself together something else happens and I start to fall apart. Or I get bored. Or stressed. Or bored again. I just don’t know what the hell I want to do with my life.

I know a few things, sure. I’m engaged, to a man that I love to infinity. I have my faith. My dog… the internet is a stable thing. Pinterest, Youtube and various blogs eat up the majority of my free time. But when it comes to my job, my creative pursuits – I tend to fall flat. I question myself and doubt myself. I know that I have ability when it comes to drawing, writing or just making quirky observations. I've tried to do all of those things in a format that would allow me to de-stress and perhaps support myself without having to go to a soul-crushing job every day. (Seriously, this whole waking up and 45 hours a week thing is horrible) But I lose interest, or self-doubt comes in and I give up on myself. I feel like if I could at least apply myself to something and stick with it I would be fine, but then I think “Why? What good is it? I can’t do this.” And then I fall into some sort of depressive pity party and watch TNG or Doctor Who all day. It’s bad. At least when I wasn't working I had more frequent bouts of effort, but once I tried to be an adult it got worse.

I work as a manager at an indoor trampoline park that shall not be named. Let’s call it ITPTSNBN. Or not, since that really isn’t much of a time saver. So ITP. ITP isn't a bad place, however the ownership and operations leave much to be desired. No one needs a boss who tells you that you should come to work in a tube top. Especially not while his wife (and the president of the company) sits in the next room. (Sleazy much?) So add that to the 1,500 screaming kids who walk through the door each Saturday, bosses who watch our every move in the office real time via the “security cameras” and my $10 an hour paycheck and you have a recipe for job hate. I've realized that I just can’t remain emotionally stable while I have a middle-aged woman screaming at me over a misunderstanding about a pair of $3 socks. I’m not expecting work to be easy or even tolerable all of the time, but when you’re at the point of dreading your next shift- you need a change.

What change I don’t know yet. I've been looking for jobs, but as mentioned before I don’t know what I want to do or why I would want to do it. I’m hoping that I will gain the motivation or courage to pursue something that I not only enjoy but can feed myself with. Until then, back to hiding in the office at ITP as much as I can.


To moving forward. 

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